No. Seriously. Why isn’t it?
Keijo!!!!!!!! is one of the most hilarious sports anime I’ve ever seen. If you’re unfamiliar with it, know that it revolves around a fictional sport that finds combatants racing to bump each other off of a floating platform. The only caveat? They can only use their butts and breasts. You read that right. The only way they can bump opponents off of the platform is by whipping their hips around to deliver some devastating blows buttwise.
It may sound ridiculous. That’s because it totally is. But it’s also a show that will hook you instantly, as long as you’re not one who’s squeamish about watching women parade around in swimsuits and assaulting each other with their assets. It’s the kind of thing that really makes you wonder, in fact, why there isn’t a real-world analogue, especially when it’s such a simple concept that could be easily mirrored.
Leaving out the easily-offended and anyone who likes to toss around the word “problematic” when women are owning their sexuality or showing off their bodies are involved, there simply aren’t that many roadblocks to bringing the sport of Keijo to life. Consider the fact that game shows such as American Gladiators or even the bizarre Wipeout! have introduced similar concepts before. American Gladiators found willing combatants who went head-to-head to determine a victor with players in crazy physical challenges–all wearing ridiculous outfits. Wipeout! was all about finding ways to ensure the contestants spent as much of their time as possible in the water surrounding the obstacle course instead of on it.
Both were popular shows and prove there’s certainly a market and an audience who would find a real-life version of Keijo worthwhile, but what about those willing to play?
It likely wouldn’t be an issue. You’d want to look for people who can swim so falling in wouldn’t be an issue. Players with lithe builds or those with the body types who would perform well at the sport would be easy to find, especially from the Olympic swimmer pool or even enthusiasts who are steady on their feet and unafraid of falling in the water or being submerged. Having larger breasts or butts isn’t really a requirement, considering many of the popular Keijo players aren’t really built that way anyway–it’s all about the technique.
Skimpy swimsuits aren’t a requirement either, though obviously the fact that wearing them would draw certain crowds out is a factor. But the utilitarian suits that students in Keijo!!!!!!!! wear tend to get the same kind of results. The professional Keijo players do wear less material for less resistance, however–and let’s not forget one special player’s insistence upon giving herself a wedgie to increase her speed. The fact of the matter is that the attire wouldn’t be that big of an issue to keep the naysayers at bay.
What might cause issues is the type of “Land” that would be acceptable for use with Keijo tournaments, as it might be difficult to ensure they exist in every capacity like those seen in the anime, especially by the time the series has come to an end. There would need to be some important requirements to ensure that players wouldn’t injure themselves, but floating platforms could certainly be constructed to fit these rigid standards.
There would also have to be important training requirements and technique regulations as well, to keep players from throwing their backs out or destroying their bodies (such as what the Vacuum Butt Cannon can do to a user’s body in the anime), but much like with sumo or other contact sports, surely there could be special rules in place to keep players safe.
It wouldn’t be hard to make Keijo a fun, interesting, and safe sport–and the rewards would far outweigh the risks. Much like spectators flock to events like women’s beach volleyball tournaments or swim competitions, Keijo would attract people in droves to see which player would emerge victorious. I’d even liken it to roller derby where tough women knock each other off the track and rock crazy names that incite violence. Who’s to say we couldn’t see a professional sport like that rise up from a simple anime series?
Keijo!!!!!!!! is silly and ridiculous, but it has a lot of potential for becoming a fully-realized sport that real women (and men) could partake in. I’d love to see something like that come to fruition one day, though I’ve resigned myself to the idea that it probably won’t. Still, hopefully we’ll see another season of the anime to hold us over, because butt-bumpin’ ladies is always something hilarious to watch. And it makes for a sport that looks like a blast to play.
Now, who wants to form a Keijo team?
Top Image Credit: Twitter